What’s Behind a Label?
Working with families and schools, I often hear phrases like “he is lazy!’, ‘she is unfriendly!’, ‘he is ignoring me!’ or ‘she is disobedient!’. When I start untangling the actual story that has led to this opinion, I generally find that this negative connotation does not reflect the real essence of why the child is behaving in a certain way.
We are all prone to putting labels on behaviour we observe in others. In turn, these labels influence how we feel about the behaviour, how we respond to it, and ultimately, how we relate to the other person.
For example, a teacher, who is standing at the front of the class, calls Johnny by name. Johnny is sitting at his desk and does not respond to the teacher. The teacher concludes that Johnny is ignoring her. The word ‘ignoring’ implies intentional act of not responding, hence the negative overtone. Subsequently, the teacher feels frustrated about it and tells Johnny off for behaving in this manner. In reality, however, there could have been multiple other reasons for Johnny not to respond immediately. He could have been hyper-focused on a task that he was doing (this is particularly common in children with autism spectrum disorder or ADHD) and struggled to quickly switch his attention to what the teacher was saying. He may have had difficulty focusing his attention on the teacher’s voice in a classroom that is full of other sounds and noises. He may have felt tired or overwhelmed by the noisy or crowded environment and was in a ‘spaced out’ mode.
Gaining insight into these factors underlying the observed behaviour could have helped the teacher make a more accurate judgement about the nature of what is happening. In a similar way, a child we label as ‘lazy’ may simply lack the capacity to self-initiate tasks or may lack motivation to attempt anything new after multiple unsuccessful attempts in the past. One may also be afraid to try something new due to the fear of failure. This is particularly common in children who have perfectionistic tendencies or a ‘fixed mindset’.
An ‘unfriendly’ child may simply lack the social skills to participate in interaction or may feel anxious about socialising and thereby avoid interpersonal situations. There are also multiple factors that are likely to underlie the child’s disobedience, such as difficulty regulating emotions or behaviour, anxiety about doing what is requested, or a lack of skills required to behave in accord with adult expectations.
While there are times where labels are necessary to ensure shared understanding of the child’s needs, such as in the case of diagnostic labels (e.g. ASD or Dyslexia), many labels we use informally may be detrimental to our relationship with the child and their functioning. Negative labels, in particular, are associated with stigma, low self-esteem, and, importantly, they conceal the real issue behind the observed behaviour. As such, next time you witness undesirable behaviour in a child, instead of jumping to conclusive labels, try to describe what you are observing in a highly specific, non-judgemental, matter-of-fact manner. Next, consider the following questions:
- Is the child trying to communicate something with this behaviour?
- Is the behaviour associated with certain lagging skills?
- What external or internal factors may be causing or contributing to the behaviour?
- Does the child fully understand the effect of his/her behaviour on others?
Answers to these questions will shed light on how to help a child behave in ways that are perceived as desirable and socially expected. By removing the element of blame and taking a more detached stance, it will be possible to focus on taking constructive, solution-focused steps towards the anticipated outcomes.
© This post is subject to copyright and is an intellectual property of Dr Anastasiya Suetin
